Mark the date and the time, I am home alone. Did you get that? In my house. By myself!
Y’all, I can count on one hand how many times I’ve been in the house by myself in the last several years. I have five fingers, so you do the countin’.
I AM ALL BY MYSELF. Hallelujah!
Or not.
I woke up spinning in circles this morning not quite sure what to do with my cherished four hours. As I hustled to get the Littles out the door I fantasized all that I might accomplish in my solitude. Take down the Halloween decorations. Purge the candy. Start the laundry. Do my bible study. Call the piano tuner. Make a dentist appointment for the Little with a chipped tooth. Pay bills. Write thank you notes. Cook, photograph, and post dinner on The Schell Cafe. Practice photography. Work out. Take a shower. Confirm babysitters for weekend trip.
To clear the fog of possibilities, I decided to go walking. I powered up my itunes and hit the streets. Truly, it must be a sight to see me singing, praying and walking the ‘hood. Lord, forgive my prideful spirit, but please don’t ever let me be punk’d by Ashton Kutcher or play the victim on Candid Camera.
Before I left on my walk, I had many incoherent thoughts I was trying to process into a post for this morning. But with all that singing, praising, and walking, the Lord put something else on my heart to share this morning. A song.
Have you heard The Sidewalk Prophets? Love ’em! Their song These are the Words I Would Say stopped me dead in my tracks this morning. Funny really since I’ve heard the song a billion times. But, in my eagerness to accomplish so much in such precious little time, I realized I was avoiding what was really on my heart. Truthfully, I find it easier to tackle my to-do list, than the issues that keep me up at night.
I left words unsaid this weekend. To every single member of my family. At some point over the course of the chaotic weekend Husband and each Little needed me for something I felt I was unable to deliver. I’m sure this feeling of business left on the table is self-imposed. But, I still felt like there were things I could have said to offer support, encouragement, and love to my family. Husband is struggling to balance the worry of his ailing mother, the needs of our immediate family, and the pressures of a finance job in a sluggish economy. The Littles each have their own crosses to bear too. One is struggling academically, with a newly diagnosed auditory processing disorder. Another needs a serious dose of confidence and is finding that circles of friends are hard to manage, even in elementary school. Another has chronic tummy troubles that are still undiagnosed after almost a year of visiting doctors, specialists, and holistic healers. Even Littlest, despite her constant state of perpetual preciousness, has a congenital spine defect that she is yet unaware of, but weighs heavy and continually on all our hearts.
I pray every day that I will be the wife Husband needs me to be and that God has called me to be. And I pray a similar daily prayer for my ability to mother the Littles. I pray God will give me the wisdom, discernment, patience, and everything else He can so that I will be the Mother they need me to be. Yet sometimes I feel like my words of encouragement fall short. Kind of like when you think of the perfect thing to say in response to something very important. Only you think of it two days later!
This morning I heard The Sidewalk Prophets sing what I long to say to Husband and each of my four Littles. I’d love to claim these talented musicians took the words right out of my mouth, but we all know I’m not capable of lyrics this beautiful. So without permission, but with full attribution to The Sidewalk Prophets, these are indeed the very words I’ve been meaning to say….
Go here to listen to The Sidewalk Prophets sing The Words I Would Say. Download the song. Crank up the volume. Sing at the top of your lungs. Dance in the streets. Then I won’t be alone when Candid Camera shows up.
To my Husband and our Littles:
Be strong in the Lord
And never give up hope,
You’re gonna do great things
I already know
God’s got His hand on you
So don’t live life in fear
Forgive and forget
But don’t forget why you’re here
Take your time and pray
These are the words I would say
♰
I love you dearly, Kristin (Mommy)
