Ask the Turquoise Table Lady

The Turquoise Table Lady

Deep in the heart of Texas lives a woman known as The Turquoise Table Lady. Hardly anyone knows her real name and even fewer would recognize her in a lineup.

This is a good thing. She prefers to fly under the radar.

She admits to being a little amused, though, when she’s out and about in the neighborhood and someone starts talking about Turquoise Tables and Front Yard People.

If the conversation is friendly, sometimes the Turquoise Table Lady will chime in and confess her identity—although she likes it better when someone else gives her away. The response is almost always the same. “No way—you’re the Turquoise Table Lady?”

The Turquoise Table Lady fields lots of questions—questions she really has no authority to answer, but that doesn’t stop the overflow of emails, texts, Facebook messages, and even the occasional letter via snail mail. For a while, she would respond as best she could, and as quickly as she could.

One day, she opened an email and realized she was answering the same question she’d answered dozens of times. It occurred to her if people were asking the same questions over and over, maybe lots of folks were wondering about things at the Turquoise Table. 

Say What?

Things like what to do when your husband doesn’t want a Turquoise Table? Or, how to survive being Front Yard People when it’s 102 degrees outside?

One of the most frequently asked questions is what to do about pesky Homeowners Associations (HOAs) that have rules and regulations about things like turquoise picnic tables in front yards.

Real Life. Real Questions.

Then there are the tough questions, real life stuff, the ones that make everyone squirmy, like:

• What do you do when your neighbor is a known drug user?
• What do you do when a neighbor’s child dies?
• When someone does you wrong, how do you “turn the other cheek” and get over it?
• If I know my neighbor’s husband is having an affair, do I have an obligation to say something to his wife?

Afraid she might offend someone by saying the wrong thing, the Turquoise Table Lady responded as generically and pleasantly as she could. But the emails, texts, Facebook messages, and letters kept on coming. So, she did what any overwhelmed, underqualified person would do. 

She called a committee meeting of her closest neighbors.

This was no “behind closed doors,” highfalutin, secret meeting. These friends sat themselves down in the front yard at the Turquoise Table, poured Chardonnay and one dissenting Cab, then pooled their wisdom to answer every single question.

The result? We are proud to share a new feature just for you, our beloved Front Yard People.

A question and answer column.

Ask The Turquoise Table Lady

Remember Heloise and Dear Abby? It’s kinda like that, but not.

The Turquoise Table Lady has far less reach and zero credentials, although she does have some serious street cred. She is literally the girl next door. She’s spent the last three (and 1/2) years in her front yard sitting at the Turquoise Table, listening, learning, and trying to love her neighbors.

Chances are if you have a question, it’s been asked before. If an issue has come up in your neck of the woods, she’s heard it before. If not, she’ll seek the wisdom of the saints—her committee of Chardonnay-loving neighbors.

The Fine Print

The Turquoise Table Lady is not a doctor, priest, psychologist, lawyer, Uber driver, politician, teacher, mattress expert, Rabbi, reality TV star, or life guard. She has only balanced a checkbook once in her life. She has never succeeded on a weight-loss plan. Most regrettably, she has never won the lottery, sweepstakes, the PTA raffle, or any of Oprah’s favorite things. Use your best judgment when taking the advice she gives. Which is free. And, we all know you get what you pay for.

The Even Finer Print

The Turquoise Table Lady might hide behind the Chardonnay Committee, profound sarcasm, and witty banter, but rest assured she loves you. She also loves Jesus and believes that if we strive to love God with all our heart, soul, and mind and love our neighbors, we’ll be taking one small step for our neighborhoods and one giant leap towards eternity for mankind.

Got a question for the Turquoise Table Lady? Head over to our Ask the Turquoise Table Lady section. She’ll answer on the website as soon as she can.